If life is what you make it, what was I thinking?
if a cocktail is a mix of drink , then what was I drinking?
my mind is now a turmoil of needs and thoughts and fears
my heart is tumbling over not knowing if its arrows or spears

Im going to try and write without making rhyme, but hopefully reason.
The door closed on my marriage (and my life I thought)2 years ago.I soon lost my job too, self worth, raison d'etre the lot all gone.

I thought I would be destined to be either dead or lonely. My depression was swift and unforgiving, every little morsel of missing family life was like a knife through my heart. It took a long time not to have those feelings in my heart like I was just about to be been pushed off a cliff. (you know the heart in your mouth thing?)
I never thought I'd ever know what love could feel like again, as I'd put all my eggs in the "Im here to stay basket". What do you do when youve lost all your eggs? Well you have to admit you wont be making omelettes for a while. Anyway with the help of prozac I did get better.
I had councilling and conviction,seperation and isolation. What kept me going? I just never got to the point of giving up, I always thought it wasnt quite the end. There is also the priceless people who have helped me along the way. My Mum is a diamond unstinting love and devotion to my well being Auntie Jax who being in a similar situation a few times gave me her knowledge and advice freely. Angie who I met in a depression forum has always made me feel welcome and has given me someone to help and in doing so has taken my own burden off me. Marc who Ive known a few years from online gaming drove up from Kent just to come say Hi and we went out for a drink and chat he was and still is fantastic. His partner and fiancee Peggy is particularly special she stands out as a beacon of hope for anyone who thinks they have problems. This lady has and still is recovering from a horrendous accident with such incredible courage and fortitude that it made my situation seem a lot less important. She is by far the most wise and intelligent ,can I say mentor? that Ive met I love her dearly.
So how did I get better? I dropped out, I admitted that this would take time so I would wake at a normal time, computor on game loaded and I would hide in that game most days it would use up my thinking power so I couldnt think about the mess I was in. Gradually I was sleeping more during the day but also a full nights sleep too ( Mum always said sleep is a healer) However I got to a point where I felt better mentally but was always tired in the afernoon so I decided I had to leave the prozac behind and thats what Ive done Its been over a year since I last had any and lifes good.
The job I got sacked from I thought I'd never do again. Well 2 years later Im back with the same employer who sacked me, better job better pay and much better working conditions.
I feel like im the cat with all the cream especially after meeting Lucy she is sooo pretty ,intelligent and not embittered by modern female thinking (make of that what you will)

My Dad is really keen
for Lucy to be seen
For opinions to be aired
and conversation to be shared

He has took a shine to her
just by the picture on my phone
he likes the way she looks
he want me to bring her home

Mum is quite keen as well
but has reservations one can tell
Careful of how I drive
and also how I live

she only wants whats best for me
not wanting to see me sad
we all dont know if Lucy is
the best Ive ever had

Time will tell us all
what we all need to know
If destiny found cupid
tied up in a bow

three thousand two hundred and ninety four miles
is all thats between me and dear Lucy's smiles
added to that is 4 days of time?
until that pretty lady will be arms that are mine

Im waiting so patiently up to a point
when upon her lips a kiss I will anoint
She will respond with passion and love
and I will thank the heavens above

I write poetry for easing my heart
to see it in words it is just the start
its a way of describing feelings that I've got
its covers the bases where "I love you" does not

Im beginning to feel
its more and more real
im beginning to believe
what Im about to receive

theres so many ways this could turn to disaster
trying it slow when I should be going faster
I have to be me I need to understand
that however it goes its out of our hands

I have to believe that Lucy is honest and true
that she knows who I am and i respond right on cue
Im scared of not living up to her dream
of me being her king and her being my queen

However this turns out I relish the thought
of living a life that I know I ought
I've so much to give and dreams to fulfill
I need to get a move on before Im over the hill

I dont remember it being quite like this
For sure its its a different thing
to fall in love with someone invisible,
electronic and temporary
but why does she make my heart sing?

I feel incredibly foolish
for believing all that I read
my heart tells me one thing
my head quite the other
Im truly mixed up indeed

Im getting all the signals
Im full of desires and needs
will you really have
the nourishment and food
on which our love needs to feed?

However things are appearing
however they seem to be true
I'm not sure i'm truly
comfortable with
everything until I meet you

I look upon your image
and I see such beauty there
from your dark eyes and lucious lips
to your silken brunette hair

I gaze upon your face
and not a thing is out of place
your inviting smile is tempting
my body is pre-empting

am I deceiving myself
do you really fall for me
why wouldnt you? I ask myself
If you really like what you see?

I know who I really am
I know I have integrity
But you who are you?, what do you want?
Is it really me?

You know when you hear of ex wives doing unspeakable things to the alleged perpetrators property, axes in cars carving messages in paintwork , grass seeds and water on carpets etc? It seems this is ok and something to be encouraged and laughed about.
Yet when its done by the male its seen as victimisation or/and harrassment.

Not a dissimilar situation when it comes to domestic violence where a very little argy bargy can result in a prosecution of the male yet more injurious crimes committed against him go unchecked or indeed laughed at by the Police.

I reach out to touch you
I can nearly feel you there
I can nearly kiss your pretty lips
I can really feel you care

Yet nearly isnt good enough
its just not quite the same
as touching you all over
to feel the heat of our loves flame

Outside a gale is blowing
inside its minus 2
things always seem to let us down
when we least want them to.

no money tools or know how
its driving you round the bend
who can i depend on?
its time to call a friend